My life started to make more and more sense as I progressed from suspecting I was Autistic, to self-identifying as an Autistic adult, and even now as a late diagnosed Autistic adult,
I first seriously suspected I may be autistic after my great nephew, who has been diagnosed with Autism, spent some time at our house and I saw in him many of the traits I had at his age and some that I still have today.
That is when I started to look at my life to determine if I am autistic.
Since I was young, I have always talked to myself. I have been told it is weird, it is wrong, and there is something wrong with me because I talk to myself. It turns out that talking to yourself is not too uncommon in the Autistic community as it is one way that we stim. Knowing this helped me feel less ashamed of myself.
Another thing that I have done all my life was avoiding eye contact. I convinced myself it was because I am legally blind and that made eye contact less important to me instead of recognizing and accepting the real reason – that it made me uncomfortable, which is a trait of Autism for many Autistic people.
I had known all of my life that I was uncomfortable with small talk. I did not like it and I certainly did not do it well. I recall in junior high that when people asked me how I was doing I would reply in a monotone voice “fine” and move on. A school counselor told me several times that I needed to change my response. I have made that change to fit in, aka masking. It turned out the way I respond when unmasked is an Autistic trait.
I also discovered that all the struggles I had in my life, especially in school from pre-school through two colleges, which often lead to daily visits to the principal’s office, and 4 expulsions may have been caused by ODD – Oppositional Defiance Disorder which is not uncommon in Autistics.
I have always had trouble, all my life, and it is getting worse as I age, falling asleep at night and staying asleep. Although there may be other factors causing this problem to worsen as I age, sleep problems are not uncommon for Autistics.
I prefer to be alone than around others – another not uncommon trait for Autistics. Now that I know this fact, I feel less guilty about spending, or wanting to spend, an large amount of time alone engaging in self-care and enjoying self-reflection and analyzing the world.
In my life I do not share much about myself with others and I avoid conflict whenever possible. I have learned this is from fawning, which is people pleasing. This was not news to be but discovering that other Autistics also fawn help me accept it as a part of who I am, instead of a personal flaw in my character.
I have learned why I must have routine and predictability. It turns out that routine and predictability are important to many Autistics. I know when my routine is disrupted, I often have outbursts, sometimes shutdowns, meltdowns, and almost always I am rude to others around me.
Speaking of rudeness, more than once in my life I have been asked if I was British. At first, I did not understand this question as I do not have an accent. Then I discovered people asked me if I was British because the British are blunt. I am blunt, which is often considered rude in our society. Some Autistics are considered rude because of how we communicate with others and express ourselves and our feelings.
For all my life I have been attracted to busses. School buses, city buses, tour buses, anything that is a bus caught my eye. I have a growing collection of busses. Although trains are more stereotypical for Autistics, buses are also a special interest for many of us on the spectrum. For years I thought it was weird for a grown man to collect toy busses and display them in his home, but knowing what I know now, I am proud of my collection as well as my collection of stuffed animals that provide me comfort.
All through my life I have avoided physical contact, worn a ballcap to keep light out of my eyes, and worn headphones to block out THE NOISE around me. This is because I am uncomfortable with physical contact, bright light and noise as they can cause me sensory overload. I have learned these are characteristics of my Autism.
I have always been hard on myself because friendships have always been complicated for me. Throughout my life I have had few friendships and most of them ended because of my behavior. Knowing that many Autistics struggle with friendships has helped me understand that although I accept responsibility for my actions that caused friendships to crash and burn, that Autism and ODD may have contributed to the loss of friendships in my life.
Through all this self-discovery and learning about Autism, today I understand myself better and I am more forgiving of my Autistic traits
As a person who’s suspicion of Autism has been confirmed, I am very comfortable with stimming, wearing noise canceling headphones and Autism pride shirts in public without caring about how others may be judging me.
Knowing I am on the spectrum I know it is okay to unmask, and how harmful masking can be. Although I am far from being fully unmasked, and I may never reach that point, I know that when I unmask and others do not accept it, it is not my problem – it is theirs.
These days I am comfortable requesting reasonable accommodation because I understand that I need it and why I need them and that I am not ASKING for reasonable accommodations to be difficult.
I am more patient with myself and allow myself to avoid certain situations without feeling guilty about my choice.
My Autism diagnosis has confirmed that I do not need to compete with neurotypicals, because I am neurodivergent me.
During the past six months, and the six months before I was diagnosed, I have discovered that there is a very supportive neurodivergent community who is there for each other.
Discovering so many communities, books, YouTube channels and my own youtube channel for Autistic ADULTS helped me know I am not alone in my unique experiences as an Autistic adult by validating my life experiences.
Although there have been many changes for the better the first six months since my diagnosis, I still have work to do including:
- Decrease fawning including being able to say no when I need to.
- Stop avoiding confrontation – that is one way I fawn
- Working on better understanding my feelings and emotions and sharing them with myself and others.
- Better understanding my boundaries and set them with others as well as with myself
Overall, it has been an empowering experience this past year.
Going forward
- I want to help other Autistic adults embrace their Autism with confidence, understanding that Autism is not something to be ashamed of, instead Autism is something you should be proud of.
- I also want to advocate for Autistic adults, and I want to help the world of Allistics to understand that Autism is nothing to fear, while helping build a world that is inclusive for all.
The bottom line is that Autism has allowed me to see the world differently all of my life, I just did not know it, and now that I know this, I embrace it daily as a superpower.
